Relationships can be wonderful. There are moments when we feel so aligned with our partner. We can have a moment or two of settlement, of joy and even peace. There can also be times of doubt, frustration and loneliness- even when we are in a healthy relationship! The reality is that feelings and emotions within a relationship are on a spectrum- from the most uncomfortable to the most reassuring. Even a healthy relationship can have moments- or days or weeks or months- of unsettlement, insecurity and trials. 

When you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship- do you ask “why am I so insecure in my relationship?” If this is true, please know that you are not alone. It is normal to feel disconnected at times, and it’s normal to feel like it might be your fault. Our mind has over 50,000 thoughts a day- it’s understandable for some of those to be about our relationship issues. 

There could be a number of reasons that you feel insecure in your relationship, read on to find 3 concepts that could be leading to the question “why am I so insecure in my relationship?”

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles could have a big impact on feelings of insecurity in a relationship. If you relate to the anxious attachment style you may find yourself questioning others thoughts, feelings and intentions. While at the same time wanting to be seen, heard, and understood. This could add to feelings of insecurity. Maybe you find yourself anxious/avoidant- you have found it difficult to connect with your partner on an emotional level- maybe you dismiss confrontation and avoid uncomfortable feelings. Even those with secure attachment styles have moments of feeling insecure within their relationship. We all have moments of acting out in one of the other attachment styles- or maybe your partner struggles with one of the above attachment styles.

External Stressors  

Sometimes- as much as we try- our stressors outside of relationships can slip their way into our interpersonal connection with our partner. The impact of work, friendships or additional family relationships can cause stress, worry or unsettlement that we can end up taking out on our romantic relationship. Stress in general can cause us to be more impulsive, irritable, and reactionary- 3 aspects that can make interpersonal relationships more difficult to manage. We may question ourselves- or our partner- causing us to ask ”why am I so insecure in my relationship”. 

Internal Stressors

The last concept that could impact our relationship could be internal stressors. Maybe we are struggling with low self esteem or having self doubt. Maybe we are experiencing a time of self growth or self development that can have us questioning our worth and choices. Sometimes when we take a deeper look at ourselves- we can unfold some thoughts or feelings that cause us to project insecurities into our relationship.

Whether you are identifying your attachment style, managing work/life balance or working through personal issues, there could be a chance this is affecting your security level with your romantic relationship. Our romantic relationships are usually the most intimate, personal and authentic connection we have- so we are more likely to act out or project other areas of our life on them. When thoughts of insecurity creep in, it’s important to remember that you are not alone- and you don’t have to manage thoughts and feelings on your own. Consulting with a relationship coach to help with reality testing, relationship feedback and support can be the difference between falling deeper into that insecurity or growing through it. 

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