What is Attachment and Why is it Important?
Attachment styles describe the way that you connect and relate to other people. In the context of an intimate relationship, identifying your attachment style can help you understand why you think and behave in certain ways and allow you to make changes that foster healthier, happier relationships.
Where Does My Attachment Style Come From?
Attachment styles begin developing at birth and continue to form through the first few years of life. The way that you bond with your primary caregiver has the strongest influence on your attachment style. Although your attachment style is determined at an early age and stays with you, you can work towards a more secure attachment style and prevent your childhood emotional “toolbox” from negatively impacting your present relationships.
Secure Attachment
As someone with a secure attachment style, you feel comfortable expressing emotions openly and rely on your partner as they rely on you. You also likely feel comfortable on your own and don’t spend time worrying about your connection with your partner.
You are a good communicator and can easily and comfortably share your needs with your partner. You also can read and understand your partners emotional cues and respond to them appropriately.
Anxious Attachment
If anxious attachment is your predominant way of connecting to others, you will likely love to be as close as possible to your partner. You crave connection and intimacy and may fear that your partner doesn’t want to be as close to you as you are to them.
In the early stages of your relationships, you spend lots of time thinking about your partner and your new relationship consumes you. You are likely easily upset by your partners negative moods and emotions and respond in ways that you come to regret. You may also give more in a relationship than your partner does and struggle to set boundaries.
Avoidant Attachment
As someone with an avoidant attachment style, independence and self-sufficiency are extremely important to you. Within an intimate relationship you may feel smothered and uncomfortable with too much closeness. This can cause you to keep you partner at a comfortable emotional distance.
While you don’t worry too much about rejection, you’re vigilant for signs that your partner is trying to control you or take away your personal freedom. You may withdraw from your relationship for periods of time following intimacy and tend to set rigid boundaries.
What Next?
Now that you understand some of the characteristics of each attachment style, you’re probably trying to determine which style you fall within and what you can do if you don’t feel that you have a secure attachment style. At the Jessica Yaffa Coaching Institute, our San Diego based relationship coaches can support you as you unpack the history of your childhood relationships, how they affect your current behavior in intimate relationships, and what you can do to work toward a more secure attachment style. Coaching sessions are tailored to meet your needs and often surround topics related to self-worth, unhealthy dynamics, toxic patterns, communication, and goal setting. The institute also offers online relational workshops and in person relational wellbeing retreats that create a supporting and empowering environment to grow as an individual and within the context of your intimate relationships. You can find more information about relationship coaching and relational workshops and retreats at https://www.jessicayaffa.org/relationship-coach/ , https://www.jessicayaffa.org/relationship-workshops/ , and https://www.jessicayaffa.org/relational-retreats/
