This blog post originally posted in November of 2020, and has since been updated in 2026 to modernize and expand the information, add new sections, and improve formatting.
Do you ever feel like you’re showing love to your partner, but it’s just not landing? Or maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t show you love in the ways you need, even when they put forth the effort. If this feels familiar, you’re definitely not alone. Actually, it happens quite a bit, and it often comes down to the fact that we all have different ways of expressing and receiving love.
Thanks to Gary Chapman and his book, The 5 Love Languages, we can think of showing love as language, and, just as with language, people give and receive love in specific ways. When we understand this both for ourselves and our partners, we can create space for genuine, authentic, and deep expression of love. To help us better understand this, we explore the 5 Love Languages below, as laid out in Chapman’s book.
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According to Chapman, the five main languages used to give and receive love are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
If you’d like to explore the languages in more depth, a simple Google search can get you pointed in the right direction. The purpose of this blog post is to offer some unique ideas for expression from each category. Use these ideas to start practicing a language or borrow from an idea and create your own!
Love Language Ideas: Words of Affirmation
- Write a poem or note expressing your love
- Leave notes in unexpected places such as on your partner’s windshield, on the mirror, or under their pillow
- Write a different affirmation on each notecard in a deck, and gift your partner the entire stack, instructing them to read one a day
- Be deliberate in honoring your partner – Stop what you’re doing and really focus on the words you choose and saying them in a way your partner can receive the whole message
- Write a song for them
- Let your partner overhear you praising them in front of others
Love Language Ideas: Gifts
- Surprise your partner with flowers
- Take note of any collections your partner has and see if you can find that impossible-to-find item they’ve wanted to add to their collection
- If you travel solo, bring a little token of your travels to treat your partner when you arrive home
- Send a small, thoughtful gift to your partner at work
- Be intentional about gifting – determine what is meaningful to your partner and spend time selecting gifts
- Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Try creating something by hand – a cd with meaningful songs, a drawing, even a poem… anything that lets your partner know you were thinking about them.
Love Language Ideas: Acts of Service
- Help around the house without being asked
- Fill your partner’s vehicle with gas so they can enjoy a stress-free morning
- Have coffee ready for them when they wake up
- If you have children, plan a quiet activity on Saturday morning so your partner can sleep in
- Offer to stop at the grocery store on your way home
- Ask them what they need help with, then follow through
Love Language Ideas: Quality Time
- Plan a special date for your partner
- Set aside time before bed to talk and catch up on meaningful conversation with your partner
- Attend events that are important to them (sporting, work, fun, etc.)
- Invite your partner on a walk after dinner
- Plan a special evening at home doing your partner’s favorite activities (movie, reading, talking, snuggling, etc.)
- Find a fun recipe you can make together. If your partner doesn’t like to cook, pick an activity your partner does enjoy and find a way to do it together.
Love Language Ideas: Physical Touch
- Make contact with your partner when passing – a kiss, a touch, a hug, anything that lets your partner know you enjoy being in their physical presence
- Reach for your partner’s hand often
- Aim for long hugs – 20 seconds or more will get oxytocin, the feel-good hormone released by human touch, flowing for both of you
- Give your partner a massage
- Dance with your partner
- Sit with your partner and get cuddly during downtime
Why It Matters
It’s common for many of us to give love in the way we receive it, but if both people have differing love languages, they might be left feeling unseen, often despite each partner making an effort to show love. From here, we can open the door to communication about what makes each person feel loved in a relationship and make adjustments in how we show up.
Common Mistakes
We all make mistakes when learning something new, so expect a learning curve. We’ll help you jumpstart that learning curve with these 4 easy mistakes to avoid:
- Assuming your partner’s love language without communicating with them. Let them tell you what their love language is, and see if they can give you some examples of ways to make them feel loved. Then you can expand your expressions through practice.
- Offering a grand gesture or display in their love language one time versus really learning their love language and finding ways to be consistent. Love must be tended to regularly, after all.
- Expecting overnight results or immediate change. Change takes time, and so does learning. It’s okay to be clunky and awkward at first, and when you’re learning new things, being clunky and awkward, and therefore vulnerable, together might even offer a way to deepen your connection.
Of course, this list of ideas regarding the five love languages isn’t exhaustive, but you can use it as a starting point to practice your partner’s love language. Get creative – combine ideas or use this list to generate ideas of your own, but most importantly, speak your partner’s love language with intention. With practice, you’ll become fluent in expressing your love.
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