“Nobody wants to date me.” If we’re all honest, most of us have felt this way at one time or another. When we’re feeling this way, it can make us feel lonely, isolated, and unwanted. It can be confusing trying to figure out what’s behind feeling like we’re undateable. Is it us? Is it them? Is it a little of both? Every situation is different, but we can all lean on these 5 things to consider if we find ourselves asking, “why doesn’t anyone want to date me?”
1. Are you visible?
One of the biggest reasons we might feel like nobody wants to date us is that we aren’t making ourselves visible. How is a potential partner to find us when we’re curled up on the couch with the remote?
For a lot of us, getting out there and being seen can feel really intimidating. If this rings true for you, it might make sense to dig a little more deeply and determine where the feeling of intimidation comes from, as well as some ways to counter it.
2. Where are you looking for love?
If we are making ourselves visible, the question becomes where are we making ourselves visible? Are we showing up in places where others might be looking for a potential mate? Are we looking for love in healthy places, where people are ready to give and receive love?
For example, if we’re scoping out dating potential in the workplace, we might not be in like-minded company. Or maybe we’re staying visible with nights out with the pals at the bar, where others are showing up to drink their troubles away. In either case, it might make sense to explore whether these are our best options for making ourselves visible and determine whether we’ll really find potential matches with a mutual, intentional interest in dating here.
3. Do you have some old wounds to tend to?
Have you ever met someone who is struggling with the end of a previous relationship? Or maybe someone with some deep, unhealed family wounds? How ready were they to receive love? To give love?
When we show up with old wounds that have yet to be healed, others can often sense it in us, just as we can sense it in them. By nature, humans are designed to pick up on the pain of others, and unhealed pain and attraction can be a tricky mix.
If you’re looking for love and have some old wounds to tend to, first of all, know that there is nothing wrong with you. We all have pain to address at some point or another. However, it might be worth exploring how the unhealed hurts express themselves in our quest for love. When we do the internal work to heal, we not only typically feel better, but we also have much more capacity to give and receive love.
4. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself?
When we like and love ourselves, others take notice. One reason is that when we feel good inside, we tend to take better care of ourselves, which shows up on the outside and can draw people toward us.
Another reason is that when we like and love ourselves, we tend to exude natural confidence, which also serves to attract others. People who feel good about themselves want to be with people who feel good about themselves.
If you’re struggling with liking and loving the person you are, you’re not alone. And it doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy of a dating partner. It does suggest, however, that it might be a great time to take that inner journey to find out why you don’t hold yourself in the highest regard.
5. Is previous trauma coloring your current experience?
It’s tough to have a discussion about relationships without considering how prior trauma shows up for us in the here and now.
For those of us who have experienced trauma (spoiler alert: most of us have), we sometimes develop habits, patterns, and attractions that are rooted in the old trauma.
If we’re sending ourselves the message: “Nobody wants to date me,” we might do well to shift the message into a question. Some useful questions might be: Are we approaching dating with old patterns that have previously proven to get in our way? Do we view potential matches through a lens of a traumatic experience? Do we have trouble forming healthy, viable relationships due to attachment issues? If the answer is yes, that’s beautiful.
Wait a minute- beautiful? How can that be beautiful? Well, while it may leave you with that “nobody wants to date me” feeling, the beauty comes in the opportunity of radically shifting our experience in the world, including our experience of dating. Perhaps now is a good enough time to sort through our attachment wounds, develop new patterns, and pick up a new lens through which we can view our dating experience.
There you have it – 5 things to consider when you’re questioning your value in the dating pool. Know that you are inherently valuable and worthy, just as you are. But if you’re feeling led to do some deeper exploration, you just might find some gems that help you own your value. If you’d like someone to explore this with you, a love coach can help. Don’t be afraid to reach out- you’re so worthy of living better and loving better.