It’s a new year! Many of us are coming off of the holidays with hopes and expectations for the coming year. Perhaps there are some major things you want to be different this year, or maybe, you are simply making a small shift in one area of your life. You might be someone who’s had enough of New Year’s resolutions altogether and want nothing to do with them!
Whatever your particular philosophy, we probably all agree that it’s never a bad time to be reminded of what it means to prioritize ourselves – to do a little “inner inventory” and take stock of how things are going for us.
What Does “Making Yourself the Priority” Even Mean?
Prioritizing oneself involves making conscious choices to (at times) put your needs above and before the needs of others. This is easier said than done, and some of us may not even understand how this is actually possible, given all the demands of life. Many of us consistently put others first, especially if we have children, aging parents, partners or are in situations that seem to demand so much of us. Some of us place our friends first, and are available to them at all times, even if it wears us down. Others put work first, making this the priority at all costs.
Prioritizing yourself does not mean that we don’t attend to the needs of others. To the contrary – we can be more fully available to others authentically because we are first available to ourselves. It’s putting your oxygen mask on before you place it on someone else – no matter
who the “other” is. If we are not getting enough emotional, physical, mental, relational or spiritual oxygen, how can we provide this to others in any sustaining way? Even if we do for a time, far too often we end up exhausted, at the end of our rope or feeling disconnected from ourselves.
Let’s remind ourselves, this first month of the year, that there is another way! It might take some effort, some intentionality, and some hard conversations or decisions, but prioritizing ourselves has a tremendous payoff both for ourselves and the people we love.
Think of a time you put yourself first, or, did something for yourself even when others didn’t understand it. Just take a minute to bring something to mind. It may have been something as simple as taking a walk by yourself in the middle of the holiday business, or as challenging as establishing a boundary with a loved one. Even though it was probably difficult to do, what was the outcome? How did it ultimately make you feel? More peaceful? More aligned with who you are? Happy?
When We Don’t Prioritize Ourselves
When we are in the habit of not making ourselves a priority, we can suffer and experience negative effects. These can include:
- Becoming resentful of people or projects we care about. Sometimes we end up doing things we don’t want to do, such as having unexpected outbursts of frustration or anger, or treating others with less kindness and care.
- Pulling away from others unintentionally. This can happen when we consistently place others’ needs before our own, but are unaware of how this affects us, or dismiss it is “not a big deal”. When we do this, we may actually end up pushing that person away, or withdraw from them, not because we don’t love them, but because we do not yet know how to be in healthy relationship with them. Remember, this is NOT the same as consciously moving away from relationships that are no longer good for us. Rather, this is our way of unconsciously creating a boundary with others when we do not consciously and intentionally do so.
- Negative health effects. Not prioritizing ourselves might result in health challenges. This can show up as chronic back pain, headaches, unintended weight gain or loss , skin issues, etc. Sometimes, our body is trying to tell us that something is wrong.
- Mental health challenges. We might experience feelings of anxiety, depression, distractability, sleep issues or have a hard time feeling hopeful or motivated. Sometimes, we aren’t aware of how much our mental health is being affected. It is only after we make changes and begin to put ourselves first that we recognize the emotional toll it’s had on us.
- Relationship challenges. When we are not prioritizing ourselves, we may not have the emotional space or energy to love others the way we truly want to. We might find ourselves neglecting relationships that mean the most to us.
- Emotional buffering. We may find ourselves using alcohol, food, screens, work, sex, etc. in an attempt to manage uncomfortable feelings, without actually facing, addressing, or healing the root of what makes us uncomfortable. Buffering is a way to avoid what’s really going on and can be something we do when it feels too hard to change.
Give Yourself Time for Reflection
With the constant “to do’s” and business of life, you may not be aware of ways that you aren’t making yourself the priority, and the effects this has on you. As a starting place, begin to make a habit of creating time and space for self-reflection, even though this may feel like the last thing you have time for – it is so important! Try and spend time with yourself as you would a good friend.
Ask yourself:
- How am I feeling about the circumstances of my life? Is there something that needs to change?
- How are my relationships? Where am I feeling tired, resentful, discontent?
- How is my mood? Am I finding moments of happiness each day? Am I dreading certain things that I’m doing or relationships I am in?
- How am I tending to my emotional, physical, and mental well-being?
- Where am I not putting myself first, and what small steps can I take to change this? Being honest with ourselves is the first step in identifying if something needs to shift. Ask yourself these important questions, and then, as honestly as you can, answer. Having a journal to write things out can be helpful. You can do this as often as you like, but it can be especially helpful when things feel “off” or you feel out of balance, fatigued, agitated, or you are struggling in some way.
Little Things You Can Do Each Day
Putting ourselves first does not have to be a massive overhaul of our lives. More often than not, its about the small decisions we make each day. Some examples might be:
● Saying “no” to a social event or time with a friend when we are feeling tired.
● Being more firm about bedtimes for your children, or implementing daily rest times for them so that you have some time to yourself.
● Waking up 15 minutess early to ask yourself “How am I doing?”.
● Listening to relaxing music in the evenings and lighting a candle, taking a few breaths.
● Establishing simple rhythms in your life that help you, such as walking for 10 minutes during lunch.
● Asking for help – and then allowing it. Ask a friend, a parent, or someone in your church or community. Perhaps you need help in organizing a space in your house that’s been overwhelming to you. Or, maybe you need help with your children. It can be hard to ask,
but if you take the risk, you may be surprised who shows up.
Whatever “prioritize yourself” means for you, it is your journey, and ultimately only you will know what your path is.
One Step at a Time
Be kind to yourself. This isn’t about perfection – it’s about making small choices each day and taking steps to better tune into yourself to discover how to put yourself first. You may be thinking, “You don’t know my life! There is no way I can put myself first given all the
things I have going on!”. Consider even the smallest of shifts that can give you oxygen. Remember that learning how to better prioritize yourself is how you will be more fully equipped for all the demands of your life.
If you could use support in cultivating healthy relationships, or anything specific to this topic, consider contacting us for support. We would be honored to walk alongside you.
