While plenty of partners can be inconsiderate or immature at times, some husbands really take the cake. If you are at your wit’s end with your husband and you suspect he is a narcissist, the first step towards dealing with the situation is knowing what narcissism really means.
What Defines a Narcissist
While narcissism colloquially can just mean a preoccupation with oneself—and some small level of this is normal—when someone has extreme levels of narcissism, they may meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While this can only be officially diagnosed by a mental health professional, it can be helpful to get a full picture of what this disorder entails.
According to MedScape:
…NPD is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria: [2]
- A grandiose sense of self-importance (eg, the individual exaggerates achievements and talents and expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement (ie, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior (ie, the individual takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)
- A lack of empathy (unwillingness to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
Even if your husband does not meet the full criteria for NPD, he could have narcissistic traits that are affecting you and your marriage. If he has any of the qualities above, your experience and feelings are valid regardless of if he has a diagnosis.
Signs Your Husband is Narcissistic
What might this actually look like within a marriage?
A common behavior of narcissists in relationships is taking up a lot of space, both physically and verbally. He could literally not leave enough room for you in your bed, leaving you sleeping on the couch. He might never stop running his mouth—talking over you, interrupting you, and speaking for you.
He might also act very entitled to your time and energy, demanding you cook or clean or do him favors after you’ve had a long day at work and he’s had a day off. It’s framed as an expectation, not a request; it’s his way or the highway. In fact, he might refuse to compromise or hear out your perspective on just about any topic.
He might check out or hit on other people in front of you, or even cheat. It’s almost like he doesn’t care about your feelings, because he doesn’t view you as person. In fact, a true narcissist doesn’t view anyone but themselves as person. Everyone around them is just an object they can project on and use to get what they want.
Worst of all, narcissists often will hurt or even abuse you followed by a refusal to take accountability plus gaslighting. This means that your husband might never genuinely apologize after harming you, but rather paint himself as the victim instead or convince you that you were imagining or exaggerating what happened or are being too sensitive about it.
How to Live With Him
No one deserves to live with a narcissist husband, but you may be unable to leave him right now for a variety of reasons.
An important thing to remember if that’s the case is that you will never win an argument with him in his mind. Why? Because he’s 100% convinced that he’s 100% correct about everything, all the time. He might try to school Einstein on relativity and Shakespeare on playwriting if they were still alive. So it’s no use engaging with him, even if his takes are absurd, insulting, and endlessly annoying. Just agree with him and then disengage as quickly as you can without making him feel ignored.
For your safety, try to comply with his demands when possible, and if it’s something that you absolutely can’t do (such as consent to sex with him when he disgusts you at this point), consider making an excuse rather than just saying “no” outright to soften the blow to his ego.
You have every right to be angry with him for how unfairly he treats you, but you can’t direct it at him while you are still with him because his narcissistic rage is infinitely more terrifying and dangerous than your frustration. So try and find a safe outlet for your feelings while you are dealing with this very difficult situation, such as venting to a friend.
It can also be really helpful to talk to a therapist or coach, such as one of the certified relationship coaches at the Jessica Yaffa Coaching Institute. While it may also be tempting to try to seek couples’ counseling or coaching or suggest your husband get professional help by himself, if he is a narcissist, he will probably not react well to this suggestion because he will see it as an accusation that something is wrong with him—and therefore a personal attack. Thus, it’s better to speak to someone on your own to help you navigate this.
How to Leave Him
Ultimately, you may decide that, for you, the best technique for dealing with a narcissist husband is to not live with him anymore. It may seem impossible to consider separation or divorce when your lives, families, and finances are entangled, and especially if you have children together. But at the end of the day, you don’t deserve a life where you have to shrink yourself for someone else’s over-inflated sense of self-importance. You deserve a self-aware, mature, loyal, and kind partner who cares about you as a person; respects your feelings, thoughts, and words; shares and compromises; and takes accountability.
The safest way to leave a narcissist husband is as quietly and quickly as possible. For example, have a friend help you pack your things and move out while he’s at work, then get divorce papers served to him through an independent agent, and moving forward only communicate with him through a lawyer and do not respond to his attempts at manipulation.
If you engage in arguments, hear out his pleas for you to stay, or give him advance notice of your plans, this could significantly complicate the process due to his inability to respect boundaries.
This is a tough process to navigate on your own, so lean on your loved ones (who aren’t entangled with him) and consider professional support. Speaking to someone at our institute can help you overcome any fear blocking your ability to take the leap of leaving your narcissist husband and guide you in making a detailed and personalized plan of action.
For more information on narcissism in relationships, watch Jessica Yaffa on Narcissistic Abuse.
