You’ve been exploring attachment patterns in your relationships. Perhaps you and your partner have been fighting in circles for what seems like days. Maybe you recently got out of a relationship and are trying to find answers to “why didn’t it work.” Or maybe you always find yourself in a cat and mouse chase in a relationship and want to learn more about your role. Whatever the initiating factor was- you are starting to see how attachment issues show up in adult relationships for you.
So, you found out you have an anxious attachment from a parent growing up. They were inconsistent and unpredictable- showing up one minute as loving and the next as critical. As an adult, you find yourself questioning others thoughts, feelings and intentions. All the while still just really wanting to be seen, heard, desired, validated and understood.
Or…maybe you found you are an avoidant/anxious attachment style adult who grew up with caregivers who were not emotionally, physically or intellectually available and you basically “parented” yourself. As an adult, you have found it difficult to connect with your partner on an emotional level- maybe you dismiss confrontation and avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Lastly…you might have found you are securely attached and your partner struggles with one of the above attachment styles. You had a consistent and attentive caregiver whom you could rely on and that created a self aware healthy boundary setting partner.
So now that we have the information- what do we do with it? How can we work through unlearning and then rebuilding an attachment style that helps us show up as our best selves in our relationships?
Simply put- we work with a professional:
You could attend a Relationship Workshop.
Here you would work with professionals who are skilled on relationships, attachment styles and healing past limiting beliefs. In this space you could also connect with peers- others like you- who have experienced similar life circumstances. You can create a sense of community and comfort that can help create a healthy environment for you to grow and learn in.
You could work with a Relationship Coach.
This could be a certified individual that could help you through specific problems related to your relationship or relationship choices. A coach can help you make changes in the now, based on the information you have gathered about your past. They can help you take a deeper look at the types of partners you are choosing and how attachment issues show up in adult relationships.
You could work with a licensed therapist or psychologist.
A psychotherapist can work with you on past relationship wounds, trauma or family dynamics that are negatively affecting your ability to show up how you want in current relationships. While coaching may be more action oriented, therapy dives into the why. A therapist and coach could work collaboratively to help you reach fullness in both healing the past and thriving in the present.
Whether you have secure, anxious or avoidant attachment tendencies- you do not have to continue if it is no longer serving you. Once we are aware of how we have been conditioned from our past to attach and connect with others, we can start to change our thoughts and behaviors around it in the current moment. Speaking with a professional who is trained in attachment issues theory is the most effective way to organize behavioral patterns that are difficult to see on your own.