This post originally appeared June 15, 2023 and has been updated to reflect accurate information as of October, 2025.
We hear of so many romantic tales about friendships that turn into romantic relationships. But what about the other way around? Can a couple successfully move their relationship from romance-status to platonic friendship? The answer? Well, it depends on the partners involved. Here are some things to consider when determining if you and your partner could shift from lovers to friends.
From Lovers to Friends: 4 Things to Consider
1. Let Broken Hearts Mend
There’s no right way to feel when shifting from lovers to friends, but it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that there may be some grieving of the old relationship. Even if your partner isn’t leaving your life entirely, you may find that your heart needs to mend before embracing this new way of relating to each other. It’s totally okay to need some space and time to let broken hearts mend before you feel ready to show up in this new capacity as a friend.
2. Healthy Communication
All relationships, whether they be romantic, plutonic, or work-related, need a solid foundation of healthy communication. Perhaps this is needed even moreso as you and your former partner lay out what this new relationship looks like for you. Not only are you both processing the end of a romantic bond, you both are filling new shoes – you previously knew each other as partners, and you may go through a period of relearning each other as friends. There might be some bumps as you both navigate this journey, and healthy communication is one of the best buffers against egregious emotional injury.
3. Seeing Them with Someone Else
The end of your romantic relationship may open the door to a new relationship, whether for you, your former partner, or both. This may be one of the trickiest parts of going from lovers to friends, as it can trigger feelings of jealousy, grief, and insecurity and may shift the friendship itself as more time is invested in the new romantic relationship.
It’s important to be honest with ourselves. Seeing a former lover with someone else can be pretty rough – if you feel it might do you more harm than good to watch your partner love another, explore what boundaries might feel best to you. You might not be impacted, you might decide preserving the friendship is worth it, or you might decide a clean break is in your best interest. None of these options are right or wrong – do what feels okay to you.
4. Ground Rules
Of course, this could fall under healthy communication (see above), but it’s important enough to point out separately. Setting expectations for this new chapter could help reduce the bumps you both might experience. Knowing that they are not set in stone, what ground rules feel good to both of you at this stage in your relationship?
Are you going to be friends with benefits? Is it ok to rely on each other in an emergency? What happens if one of you find a new partner – will the friendship status between you change? Will you still see each other often? Only connect by phone? Are there things that are ok to talk about while other things are off limits?
Again, these ground rules so to speak are not written in stone and can be adjusted as you both need. At the same time, however, setting expectations in advance can help you both know what it will look like during the transition from lovers to friends.
From Lovers to Friends: Dos and Don’ts
Here are some dos and don’ts when it comes to staying friends after the relationship. While the following can be a helpful guide as you navigate the changes between you and your former partner, remember that there’s no right or wrong way to do this, and each situation will be unique.
Do:
- Communicate wants, needs, and feelings at an appropriate level for the new friendship
- Check in with how you feel about the new arrangement
- Know that it’s okay to change your mind about remaining friends
- Communicate how you’re feeling to your trusted support network
- Give both partners time to adjust to the shift in the relationship
- Give appropriate space for both partners to heal and explore new opportunities
- Be gentle with yourself and your former partner- moving from lovers to friends can be a bumpy transition
- Be intentional and clear about boundaries
Don’t:
- Don’t hold unreasonable expectations of yourself, your former partner, or the relationship
- Don’t be afraid to take time to grieve the loss of the old relationship
- Don’t expect the relationship to feel the same – many things will shift in unpredictable ways, and that’s ok
- Don’t be afraid to speak up as your needs change
- Don’t sabotage your or your former partner’s effort to explore the world and meet new people
- Don’t feel that you have to listen to unwanted relationship advice from others around you – people tend to offer their opinions about staying friends with an ex, and you get to choose which opinions you entertain (or don’t entertain)
- Don’t feel there’s any single “right” way to stay friends with an ex – it’s up to you and your former partner to decide how you want to shape the relationship going forward
Staying Friends After a Breakup: Benefits
While many people have opinions on why it’s not a good idea to stay friends after a breakup, we want to look at some of the benefits. Of course, the transition can be tricky, but in otherwise healthy relationships, harnessing the benefits of friendship can be done. Here are some of the benefits of staying connected:
- Emotional maturity – shifting from lovers to friends requires growth and reflection, which strengthens emotional maturity
- You can still share the good memories of your relationship with your former partner
- You get opportunities to learn and grow as you navigate the change in relationship
- You get opportunities to learn from your past relationships – some things may only come to light once the relationship moves from lovers to friends
- You get to maintain the shared sense of community you both have built during the relationship, both with each other and with friends and family
There’s no right or wrong way to close the chapter of a romantic relationship. A couple can certainly move from lovers to friends successfully, but it might take some effort and definitely takes some careful consideration from both partners. Find some middle ground that works for the both of you, and remember: you can always give it a try and decide how it feels as you go.
If you’d like some help navigating a tricky relationship issue, our relationship coaches could be a great fit. Please don’t hesitate to reach out – you don’t have to figure this out alone.
