A Truth About Attraction
This blog post was originally posted in December of 2021 and has since been updated in 2026 to improve readability, add contextual examples, and modernize the information.
You meet someone and you’re head over heels… or you’re not. And with all the cultural emphasis on attraction, it feels like the future is defined in that moment. When we’re single and looking for a partner, most of us are looking for that spark of attraction to let us know it’s time to sit up and take notice. At the other end of the spectrum, those of us who have been with our partners for a while might judge the health of the relationship based on the amount of attraction we feel. No matter what stage of relationship you are in – single, dating, or partnered, you’re not alone if you’re using attraction as a barometer of relationship suitability.
Why do we place such an emphasis on attraction? Most likely, it’s because our media culture does. Media in Western culture places a huge emphasis on attraction and even defines on-screen relationships around it. Media makes instant chemistry feel safe, like it’s akin to an instant and ever-lasting knowing that this person is *the* person. Think about it – movies, TV, magazines, billboards, podcasts, newsletters, blogs… how many times in a day are you presented with the notion that attraction is everything? Media teaches us that attraction is key to lasting, happy relationships. If we’re with the right person, we’ll be undeniably attracted to them. And that might be true… sometimes.
Here’s a truth: Attraction is unreliable as a system of measurement. It’s important, yes, but it doesn’t mean we are or aren’t in the right relationship. It’s not a static state that we either feel or don’t feel. Attraction is a fluid response to a host of environmental, biological, and social factors that come together to create a sense of being drawn to something in the moment. Attraction can increase, decrease, disappear, shift, and transfer from one moment to the next, and the ego self has little control over what it finds attractive (or doesn’t). Of course, attraction is important but, because of its unpredictable and chaotic nature, it just isn’t a reliable measure of a relationship or potential relationship. It’s just how our body responds to someone in that moment.
Have you ever noticed you’re more attracted to someone during an intense experience where there’s an element of danger? Think about that kiss at the top of the ferris wheel, or hiking date on a mildly dangerous path. It’s usually a case of misattributed feelings, but to keep the conversation moving, we’ll just say that fear can make us feel attracted to someone for a short time. There’s a study – Fear and Love on a Shaky Bridge that does a great job of demonstrating the relationship between fear and attraction. You can read more about this famous study with a quick Google search, but the take-away here is that when humans are faced with danger, the body activates in the same way it does when we are attracted to someone – quickened pulse, shortness of breath, tunnel vision, excitability. We then misread these cues as attraction, when in fact they are a response to the danger we just experienced. In this way, a dangerous situation can make us “feel” attraction toward someone. Kind of wild, isn’t it?
Not convinced attraction is a fluid experience? Let’s consider the research around attraction and the fluctuations of hormonal cycles. More research is needed but findings show that women find different qualities attractive at certain times of the month. This finding might be particularly interesting to long-term couples who experience regular and more predictable cycles of attraction. Similarly, this finding could be interesting to those in the dating stages who are trying to gauge their interest in potential matches, considering attraction may vary throughout the month. To make things even more interesting, studies have also shown that a man’s romantic interest in a woman can vary depending where she is in her monthly cycle, where’s he’s feeling more attracted at certain points, and less attracted at other points.
So, what’s the truth about attraction? It’s fickle. And fickle things are not the best gauge of how well our romantic endeavors are going. It’s not that attraction doesn’t matter – it does, but it’s not the best gauge of whether you’re with the right person. Whether you’re lacking attraction for someone, or you’re feeling smitten with them, embrace whatever you’re feeling in the moment and remember it’s perfectly normal for your feelings to change.
Want to take a deep dive into your relationships and learn how to make them stronger? A relationship coach can help you live better and love better through a more authentic understanding of yourself.
