This post was originally published on April 15, 2022, and has been updated in 2026 to include reflection items, add a bonus “relationship killer,” and improve formatting.
Ok, so maybe “relationship killers” is a strong term. Maybe these 5 (plus a bonus 6th!) things we’re unpacking won’t kill your relationship, but they can certainly create strain. On the other hand, if left unaddressed, it’s possible one or more of these things could cause irreparable damage to your partnership. Of course, no two relationships are the same, and what is challenging in one relationship could be just fine in another. However, humans are pretty predictable and we’ve identified 5 things (plus a bonus!) that could be relationship killers, or rather, harmful, for relationships.
1. Not Carving Out Time for Your Loved One
In the beginning of a budding relationship, our new love is accompanied by hormones that drive us to seek out the person we are attracted to. This is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we’re in close enough proximity to mate. But as the relationship progresses and we’ve established a sense of familiarity, Mother Nature backs off a little and it’s up to us to seek out and create time for our relationship and our loved one, even if our hormones are a little “meh” about it.
When both partners create space and time for each other and the relationship, they are not only sending a message to each other that they value the relationship, but they also create space in order for the union to flourish. And the good news is that it doesn’t need to be about scheduling vacations or fancy date nights, although creating space for intimacy and fun has a ton of benefits. Carving out time for your loved one might look like putting down your phone when they’re talking with you, planning a weekly snuggle session to watch a new Hulu series, or even just sharing a relationship-building activity for 10 minutes a day.
2. Not Prioritizing Communication
Communication is one of those things that can make or break a relationship. Whether it’s about goals, values, opinions, dreams, boundaries, or preferences, communication is paramount to keeping a relationship alive. Some of us are better communicators than others, and that’s ok. Even if you struggle with communicating effectively, practice will help you get better at it and prioritizing it sends a message to your partner that you value your connection with them.
If the thought of communicating with your partner makes you nervous, remember that you can explore different settings and forms of communication that feel safer. If sitting across a table from your partner, making eye contact feels like too intense an environment to focus on communication, try reducing the pressure by going for a drive and talking in the car. Do unplanned talks about serious topics make you uncomfortable? Ask your partner if you two can schedule talks like that so you’re not caught off guard. Do you want to tell your partner something but are having a hard time saying it? Try a note or a letter. Go ahead and take a moment now to think about what holds you back from communicating with your partner, then see what creative ways you can come up with to increase your comfort level.
3. Not Defining and Asserting Boundaries
In our parents’ day, it was considered a bit uncouth to assert yourself and your boundaries. But throughout the years, we’ve learned that defining and asserting boundaries is a critical component to a healthy relationship. Having boundaries can reduce resentment around not getting what we want in a relationship, while also removing the guesswork required of your partner when no boundaries are in place.
Are you comfortable setting and holding boundaries? If not, it might help to explore your history on boundaries, as the framework is often learned in childhood and then reinforced in our relationships as we grow up. What do you notice about the pattern of boundaries in your life?
4. Listening Too Much to Other People
When things aren’t going the way we’d hoped, and even when they are, it’s not uncommon for us to turn to people outside the relationship for help. While this can help us see our blindspots and gain a new perspective, sometimes the help can be a little overbearing, or even harmful. Sometimes, we might let others decide how we feel about something, especially if we’ve been conditioned to doubt ourselves. Other times, we might give a lot of weight to what others think is wrong or right in a relationship, letting the opinions of others override what actually works for our relationship. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others, but also don’t be afraid to listen to yourself.
5. Not Working on Our Own Relationship Wounds
Most of us come into a relationship with a few metaphorical bumps and bruises – after all, love can be a tricky thing. But sometimes these wounds can open up and bring toxicity to an otherwise healthy relationship. If you’re still reeling from some deep-seated hurts that occurred in the past, it may be worth it to explore how those hurts are showing up in your relationship today. If you’re not sure where to start, you could try a journaling practice to explore your relationship history. Writing out a simple comparison list that identifies previous relationships or people who made you feel safe, valued, and heard, versus relationships that made you feel unsafe, small, or wrong can help you start to see where your wounds are. It can also help you explore your healthy attachments, which can be a balm for those wounds.
6 (ADDED BONUS). Not Focusing on Repair After Rupture or Conflict
Perhaps equally important as reducing and moving through conflict more effectively as a couple is how much attention you give to the repair phase after a conflict in the relationship. How you and your partner show up for each other and the relationship after a rough patch can set the stage for deeper intimacy or, if left unsettled, could create deeper resentments.
Repair is an art that doesn’t come easily for many of us, especially if it was never modeled for us in earlier relationships. Take a moment to reflect on your repair style – do you like to seek deeper understanding and meaning after conflict with a partner? Or do you prefer to just “move on” after a bump in the road? There’s no correct answer, except what works for you and your partner, but if you find yourself resenting your partner after conflict, or like things never really get resolved between you two, then it might make sense to explore the repair patterns in your relationship.
Conflict and repair patterns often start in childhood. If it feels safe to do so, you can take a moment to reflect on patterns of conflict in your childhood. Did your family do any repair work after conflict or a major rupture? How about at school, did you have conflict with your peers and if so, what did the repair process look like? From there, you can compare how your later experiences, such as a current relationship, share patterns with your earlier experiences. Lead with curiosity and be mindful of how you feel as you reflect, especially if yours was a difficult or traumatic childhood.
How do these land for you? Do you find yourself nodding your head in agreement as you read? Or do you feel a little nagging sense that one of these relationship killers is a little too familiar in your relationship? No matter where you land in your reflections, be gentle when exploring relationship patterns and give yourself lots of credit for showing up with curiosity for you, your partner, and your relationship.
Of course, this list of so-called relationship killers is not exhaustive, nor does it mean your relationship is doomed if you recognize something covered here. You and your partner might not struggle with these, or perhaps these are trickier for just one of you, or maybe your biggest relationship is something entirely different. Hopefully this post gets you thinking about your relationship patterns in meaningful and insightful ways and helps you explore with curiosity and compassion.
If you struggle in any of these areas, one of our love coaches might be able to help. Please reach out – you don’t have to walk this journey alone.
