This blog was originally posted on August 31, 2021, and has since been updated and expanded with reflection questions, two bonus tips, and modernized examples.
Expressing romantic interest can be tricky. There’s always that moment- when you are really into someone and excited about the possibility of a future- but you don’t know how to communicate it without feeling like you are coming in hot. Maybe you’ve noticed you have a history of overwhelming your love interests. Maybe you value a competitive, go-get-em attitude when it comes to dating, or perhaps it’s been suggested that you’re a little too direct with your romantic overtures. Whatever it is that has you considering the energy behind your expressions of romantic interest, you’ve been led to a blossoming awareness that you’d like to shift how you approach this part of your life.
The good news is that, with some exploration and practice, you can express you are interested without the other person feeling like you are jumping a few steps ahead.
Read on to explore 3 ways to express romantic interest without coming on too strong.
1. Be clear and direct.
Your initial thought might be to keep things casual and neutral. You might say, “do you want to hang out Friday?”, when you really want to ask, “Can I take you out on a date on Friday?” The outcome is the same, you want to see this person on Friday. However, the intention is defined when you use direct language like date vs. hang out. Using words that communicate romantic interest helps to reduce the ambiguity.
When you are clear and direct, it can be easier to determine the other person’s interest in you. If you are clear and direct, it invites the other person to be clear and direct. When we have to guess how the other person is feeling towards us, it opens a lot more room for error, including continuing our advances when they aren’t interested, which can be seen as coming on as too strongly.
As you consider the points above, what comes up for you? Do you find it easy to be clear and direct? If not, why not? Does clear and direct communication feel safe for you? Where did you learn your framework for being clear and direct with romantic interests? Do you want to shift that framework?
2. Don’t underestimate body language.
Your body language is different when you’re around a parent as opposed to around a romantic interest, right? Body language can be helpful in communicating romantic interest without coming on too strong. Direct eye contact, smiling, or having your arms at your side instead of crossed are ways that you can communicate that you were open and romantically interested as opposed to platonically engaged.
What are your thoughts around body language? Do you notice it? Are you aware of your own? What happens if you make slight changes in how you position your body? Do you see a subtle shift in the other person in response? What do you notice about how other people’s body language makes you feel? Do some people have a way of seeming open, engaged, and interested? What about their body language conveys that? Do some people overwhelm you with their body language? How does that compare to your own?
3. Be honest about your availability.
Sometimes when we are romantically interested in someone we can open up our schedule or calendar to anything that they have available. It’s important to remember, that you have a life too. Setting boundaries with yourself as far as your time, energy, and effort is important early on in dating. Be available when you are available and communicate that you are not available when you are not.
Some of us have been conditioned to fear missing out (FOMO), and in dating, that can manifest as us shifting our schedule to accommodate every chance at a date. If you find yourself struggling with this, know that it’s a product of our culture and not some internal failing of yours. A person who is interested will still be interested on Wednesday, even if you have an obligation on Tuesday.
What do you think? Is this a new concept for you? If you struggle in prioritizing your committed schedule against dating, why do you think that is? Is there fear behind that? What reinforces that fear?
4. Bonus Tip! Don’t Override Their “No.”
You gotta know when to fold ’em. If someone isn’t interested, continuing to express interest is crossing the line. Declining a romantic gesture isn’t most people’s way of flirting and you can count on “No” meaning no, despite what all the love songs and rom-coms tell us. A pushy romantic caller who eventually wins over their interest makes for a great movie plot, but in real life, it’s just crossing boundaries, and that comes with a range of consequences. It’s ok and natural to feel disappointed if the person we like doesn’t like us back, but it’s important to remember that when someone says they aren’t interested, it means they aren’t interested. That’s ok, though, as there are plenty of people who would gladly return the interest, and one person’s “No” frees us up to find someone who will, whole-heartedly, say, “Yes.”
As you reflect on this point, what are you noticing about how you understand “No” when it comes to flirting? Were you taught that it’s just a way for someone to not seem ‘too easy’ or eager? Do you ever try to push past someone’s, “No?” Do you expect people to try to push past your, “No?”
5. Bonus Tip! Seek Help from Platonic Others.
Maybe you have a difficult time understanding how others perceive you, and you don’t know when you’re coming across as too aggressively. Or maybe you have a difficult time reading others and you’re not quite sure when they’re losing interest. Don’t worry – you’re not alone! Many of us have some uncertainty when dealing with others – especially in such a vulnerable space as romance. It can be helpful to enlist the help of a trusted person whom you’re not romantically interested in. It could be a friend, a family member, or someone in the community and, ideally, they will be good at offering constructive critique in a way that is readily received. You could ask them to help you read the behavior of your romantic interest to help you gauge whether to continue your advances. Or, you could ask them to give feedback on how you come across to others, as well as offer ways to adjust your communication so you don’t overwhelm.
Who in your circle could you ask for help? Is there anything holding you back from seeking their help? What is it about them, or the way they relate to others, that feels like they could be helpful to you?
Closing Thoughts
Expressing romantic interest without coming on too strong is an art, a culmination of clear and direct language, awareness of how we show up, honesty, and respect.
The journey may feel bumpy at first and don’t worry – we’re here if you get stuck! Working with a relationship coach can help you figure out what direct and intentional language, awareness, honesty, respect, and action looks like for you. Having the feedback of an objective third-party, who is trained in relationships and connection, can be exactly what you need while navigating the sometimes rough task of expressing romantic interest in the dating world.
